After Losing A Loved One To Murder

I was standing in the bathroom over the sink trying not to get sick when I first realized it. I had been there for over an hour and had yet to see one friend show up. I laid on the floor of the bathroom and curled in a ball rocking back and forth; my hand covering my mouth as the ragged sobs escaped my body. I knew I was going to have to leave the bathroom soon or people would begin wondering where I was. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. I knew it was me, but I didn't recognize the haunted look in my eyes. The way my skin was slightly too pale and I couldn't keep my hands from shaking. Straightening my plain black dress I cleared my throat and composed myself. I didn't want anyone to see the pain I was in. I felt it would only add to their own agony.

I walked out of the bathroom and came back into the main room. There were more people showing up now. I kept scanning the room trying to find a familiar face - someone who came to support me. It wouldn't be until the preacher got up to speak and we were asked to take our seats that I knew for sure no one was coming. Not one of my friends had shown up to my sister's funeral. I couldn't shake the feeling of utter disappointment and confusion. How could not one friend show up to support me? My sister had been murdered just days earlier and I was still in shock, but not enough to not realize how alone I felt. I had my family there and my loyal boyfriend. He stayed by my side the entire time. But, not one friend. All the friends I had throughout school, all my current friends from work and those I hung out with on a regular basis. No one came. I couldn't understand it - let alone process it.

I've come more now to realize that when something tragic happens in a small community like murder most often people do not know how to handle it or what to say. Instead of reaching out to the family most often they say nothing. That's not to discount the wonderful people who did come forward to support us. Those who did support us we love incredibly, but still can not understand all those who did not. I can not count the times that when I have brought up my sister's name or her story in the past two years that people suddenly would quite talking or refuse to look me in the eye. I lost countless friends who no longer hang out with me or come around me. I can only imagine that it is because of their fear that I may bring up Tabitha's name. I understand how difficult it must be in their shoes to see someone in such pain and not know what to say or how to comfort them best. But, I wish they could see that the awkward feelings they have are nothing compared to the pain my family and Tabitha's closest friends feel.

I am writing this to reach out to all the other families who have lost a loved one to murder and then subsequently lost their friends or had friends who were not there for them emotionally. I also want those who know someone who lost a loved one, but not lost one themselves to understand how their friend may be feeling. When someone's loved one is murdered there can be a variety of emotions that follow - shock, anger, anguish, grief, rage, or confusion among many others. It has been over two years since my sister was murdered and I am just now reaching the process of working through my grief. For a long time I felt unbelievable pain, anger, and shock. I couldn't process anything that was happening. A few of my friends tried getting me to go out places with them, but I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. Eventually they just quit asking. Now, that I have finally gotten to the place where I feel like I can go out again and try to live my life I realized I didn't have hardly anyone. The people I used to hang out with barely speak to me and when they do it is nothing of importance. There is no hope for me to get to sit down and cry with a friend over my sister. To sob until I have nothing left and allow myself to be comforted. Something I could not have done a year ago, but desperately need now.

I isolated myself a lot from the few friends who actually cared to try to hang out with me until they no longer tried. It was not something I did on purpose, but rather something I did because I physically and emotionally did not have the energy to go out and do anything. Emotionally I felt I could not handle leaving the house. The only time I left was to see my family, go to work, or go to an event I was hosted for the foundation I started in memory of my sister. Over time it was the foundation that saved me - that helped pull me out of the deep depression that I was in. I found solace in helping others and spreading awareness to domestic violence to help prevent some future family from going through the pain that my own was. The point I am making is that if you know someone who has lost a loved one to murder, or even lost a loved one in a natural or non-violent way, to please continue to reach out to them - even if they do not respond. Most often the first few months, and even years, are a confusing, painful, and numbing time. It has been two years and three months and I am just now processing the loss that my family suffered. Now, when I am ready to begin reaching out to friends and work through what happened I feel more alone than ever. It is because of the bond my mother and I have that I finally began to open up about the overwhelming sadness I feel.

I hope that in the coming months and years I can finally work through many of the emotions that came from losing my sister to murder. It is a long process and if you or someone you love is going through it then please be patient. It takes often a long time to work through the terrible emotions that come with loss. The best thing I learned is to be patient and kind with myself -  to not become angry or upset when I have a setback. When you are already in agony, don't cause yourself more by judging how long or how short it takes you to begin healing.

Tabitha's Little Sister,
Nikki Allman
Founder of The Tabitha Brock Foundation

You Never Think It Will Happen To Your Family

It's been two years, two months, and twenty-two days since my sister, Tabitha Brock, was murdered. I never thought in the slightest imaginings that something this tragic and heartbreaking would happen to my family. It was a cold harsh reality that morning when the detectives were sitting with us in my mother's living room telling us my sister my dead. She was found in her car burned. We had to wait until the autopsy was completed to be sure it was her, but there was a silent knowing among those in the room. We just knew that it was her and that he had done it. Before Tabitha's murder I don't know if I even knew what the word domestic violence was. It was something foreign that didn't happen in my family or anyone I knew. Or so I thought until that moment. Before being educated on domestic violence it was easy to play off the signs and symptoms of abuse or to be unable to recognize it. I knew that he had been cruel and hateful to my sister many times. That he manipulated her, called her names, and stole things from her. But still it did not register that MY SISTER was a victim of domestic violence. No, as far as we knew he had never hit her before that night. But, she went through TEN years of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse from him. I understand now that what she was going through was the Cycle of Violence, but it makes me realize even more so how badly we need education about domestic violence in our communities. You only think about domestic violence when there is physical violence, but there are so many other forms of abuse that are not talked about. That could ultimately lead to domestic violence homicide. You never think it will happen to your family, but once it happens your lives are irrevocably changed. I knew after Tabitha's murder that I couldn't bear for any other family to go through the pain that we have in losing a loved one. I started this foundation to spread awareness on this epidemic and hopefully allow victims still in abusive relationships to see they are not alone. That there are people out there advocating against this and they can find help. We do weekly posts now sharing the stories of victims of violence who have lost their lives and survivors to show to spread awareness and sign a spotlight on why violence must end. I hope that you will join in my family's journey after Tabitha's murder.

Thank You & Sending You Love,

Tabitha's Little Sister,

Nikki

www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha

www.twitter.com/justice4tabitha

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com