What is the Impact of Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a subject that can be difficult to think about, let alone speak about, but for many it is a reality they are forced to live with everyday. Domestic violence kills more than three women and one man every day in the United States. It is because of these dangerous numbers that we must do our best to educate the public on this epidemic.

I first came into knowledge about domestic violence in May 2012. It was on the tenth of that month that my 23-year-old sister was murdered in front of her four-year-old son by his father. She was in college at the time and just completed her first semester; making straight A's. She had been a hair stylist for six years, but wanted to do something different after she had her son. She wanted him to have a good life and decided to go to college to possibly become an elementary school teacher. She never got to finish college. She will never see her son grow up or attend another family Christmas dinner. So many memories stolen from her future.

I was 21-years-old at the time of her murder and emotionally could not handle what happened. I didn't understand how he could have killed her. At the time I knew virtually nothing about domestic violence. Although I knew how badly he treated her it didn't click that it may ever turn into anything violent. I just thought he was a jerk and cruel to her. I never knew he would eventually kill her and then set her body on fire in her car. I began to research all I could about domestic violence, the signs, it's impact, anything I could find. I started a Facebook page in her memory (The Tabitha Brock Foundation).

I would find something that would both break my heart and inspire me at the same time. I found that there was a whole network of advocates working to educate society on domestic violence. I was able to read their stories and connect, but it broke my heart to know what they had endured. I read of Melissa Dohme's (Support Melissa) story of survival where she had been brutally stabbed 32 times by an ex-boyfriend. She went on to become a strong and courageous advocate against domestic violence and now has shared her story with thousands of people at events, high schools, and colleges.

I read of the tragic murder of Ashleigh Marie Lindsay and her unborn daughter, Patience (Memorial Facebook Page). Ashleigh had been severely abused by Joshua Mahaffey, her ex-boyfriend. She went into hiding to protect herself and her child after leaving him. For a month she went from friends house to friends house. She made plans to go to a domestic violence shelter on a Saturday. Friday Joshua Mahaffey found Ashleigh. He shot Ashleigh and their unborn child, Patience. He then killed himself. Ashleigh passed away from her injuries. Her family now works to spread awareness to domestic violence in Ashleigh and Patience's memories (Ashleigh's Patience Project).

I connected with others through a wonderful national organization called Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence. It was founded by Kristen Paruginog who had shared her story of survival on social media. She went on to create a 501(c)(3) non-profit to help educate the community on this issue and empower victims of domestic violence to become survivors. BTS has reached people from all around the world and gave a community to advocates and survivors. +Breakthesilence DV

I began to understand the impact of domestic violence on our society the more stories I read. My sister, Tabitha, was one of three women who died on May 10th over two years ago. I know the impact that her loss had on my community. Her son lost both his mother and his father in one day. His mother was murdered and his father jailed. My mother lost a daughter and three siblings lost a sister. Tabitha had so many family and friends that loved her completely. Her loss broke their hearts. The cost to me was the loss of a sister, grief, and PTSD. The effects rippled out to hundreds of people because of one man's actions.

Think of the impact of this on society as a whole. Imagine every day in the United States three women and one man losing their lives. Their loss will harm so many people. Not only would this cause a serious economic impact on our society, but also on the emotional, physical, and spiritual health of those involved in the loss. (Community Cost of Domestic Violence)

I am now a few months away from being 24-years-old. It will be the first time in my life I will be older than my sister. It makes my heart ache. I have in this time done what I can to educate my community on domestic violence and attempt to end the stigma around it. While some subjects in this life may be uncomfortable to bring to light it is something we must do if we are to ever eliminate this tragic epidemic.

What I would suggest to those looking to become an advocate against domestic violence is to read everything you find on this issue. There are many great resources I will link that can help you understand the signs, symptoms, and impact of DV. You could also contact your local domestic violence shelter and ask to volunteer or for more information. Talking to family members, friends, and even strangers is key to educating our society on DV.

Wishing You the Best,
Tabitha's Little Sister Nikki

Resources:

http://www.icadvinc.org/ 
http://www.ncadv.org/
http://www.breakthesilencedv.org/
https://www.rainn.org/
http://www.thehotline.org/
http://nnedv.org/

Tabitha Brock with her son, Clayton, two weeks before her murder. 

Tabitha Gayle Brock

Born November 20, 1988 - Murdered May 10, 2012

Beloved mother, sister, and friend. 

 Our Social Media:

www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com

www.twitter.com/justice4tabitha

http://thetabithabrockfoundation.blogspot.com/

After Losing A Loved One To Murder

I was standing in the bathroom over the sink trying not to get sick when I first realized it. I had been there for over an hour and had yet to see one friend show up. I laid on the floor of the bathroom and curled in a ball rocking back and forth; my hand covering my mouth as the ragged sobs escaped my body. I knew I was going to have to leave the bathroom soon or people would begin wondering where I was. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. I knew it was me, but I didn't recognize the haunted look in my eyes. The way my skin was slightly too pale and I couldn't keep my hands from shaking. Straightening my plain black dress I cleared my throat and composed myself. I didn't want anyone to see the pain I was in. I felt it would only add to their own agony.

I walked out of the bathroom and came back into the main room. There were more people showing up now. I kept scanning the room trying to find a familiar face - someone who came to support me. It wouldn't be until the preacher got up to speak and we were asked to take our seats that I knew for sure no one was coming. Not one of my friends had shown up to my sister's funeral. I couldn't shake the feeling of utter disappointment and confusion. How could not one friend show up to support me? My sister had been murdered just days earlier and I was still in shock, but not enough to not realize how alone I felt. I had my family there and my loyal boyfriend. He stayed by my side the entire time. But, not one friend. All the friends I had throughout school, all my current friends from work and those I hung out with on a regular basis. No one came. I couldn't understand it - let alone process it.

I've come more now to realize that when something tragic happens in a small community like murder most often people do not know how to handle it or what to say. Instead of reaching out to the family most often they say nothing. That's not to discount the wonderful people who did come forward to support us. Those who did support us we love incredibly, but still can not understand all those who did not. I can not count the times that when I have brought up my sister's name or her story in the past two years that people suddenly would quite talking or refuse to look me in the eye. I lost countless friends who no longer hang out with me or come around me. I can only imagine that it is because of their fear that I may bring up Tabitha's name. I understand how difficult it must be in their shoes to see someone in such pain and not know what to say or how to comfort them best. But, I wish they could see that the awkward feelings they have are nothing compared to the pain my family and Tabitha's closest friends feel.

I am writing this to reach out to all the other families who have lost a loved one to murder and then subsequently lost their friends or had friends who were not there for them emotionally. I also want those who know someone who lost a loved one, but not lost one themselves to understand how their friend may be feeling. When someone's loved one is murdered there can be a variety of emotions that follow - shock, anger, anguish, grief, rage, or confusion among many others. It has been over two years since my sister was murdered and I am just now reaching the process of working through my grief. For a long time I felt unbelievable pain, anger, and shock. I couldn't process anything that was happening. A few of my friends tried getting me to go out places with them, but I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. Eventually they just quit asking. Now, that I have finally gotten to the place where I feel like I can go out again and try to live my life I realized I didn't have hardly anyone. The people I used to hang out with barely speak to me and when they do it is nothing of importance. There is no hope for me to get to sit down and cry with a friend over my sister. To sob until I have nothing left and allow myself to be comforted. Something I could not have done a year ago, but desperately need now.

I isolated myself a lot from the few friends who actually cared to try to hang out with me until they no longer tried. It was not something I did on purpose, but rather something I did because I physically and emotionally did not have the energy to go out and do anything. Emotionally I felt I could not handle leaving the house. The only time I left was to see my family, go to work, or go to an event I was hosted for the foundation I started in memory of my sister. Over time it was the foundation that saved me - that helped pull me out of the deep depression that I was in. I found solace in helping others and spreading awareness to domestic violence to help prevent some future family from going through the pain that my own was. The point I am making is that if you know someone who has lost a loved one to murder, or even lost a loved one in a natural or non-violent way, to please continue to reach out to them - even if they do not respond. Most often the first few months, and even years, are a confusing, painful, and numbing time. It has been two years and three months and I am just now processing the loss that my family suffered. Now, when I am ready to begin reaching out to friends and work through what happened I feel more alone than ever. It is because of the bond my mother and I have that I finally began to open up about the overwhelming sadness I feel.

I hope that in the coming months and years I can finally work through many of the emotions that came from losing my sister to murder. It is a long process and if you or someone you love is going through it then please be patient. It takes often a long time to work through the terrible emotions that come with loss. The best thing I learned is to be patient and kind with myself -  to not become angry or upset when I have a setback. When you are already in agony, don't cause yourself more by judging how long or how short it takes you to begin healing.

Tabitha's Little Sister,
Nikki Allman
Founder of The Tabitha Brock Foundation

You Never Think It Will Happen To Your Family

It's been two years, two months, and twenty-two days since my sister, Tabitha Brock, was murdered. I never thought in the slightest imaginings that something this tragic and heartbreaking would happen to my family. It was a cold harsh reality that morning when the detectives were sitting with us in my mother's living room telling us my sister my dead. She was found in her car burned. We had to wait until the autopsy was completed to be sure it was her, but there was a silent knowing among those in the room. We just knew that it was her and that he had done it. Before Tabitha's murder I don't know if I even knew what the word domestic violence was. It was something foreign that didn't happen in my family or anyone I knew. Or so I thought until that moment. Before being educated on domestic violence it was easy to play off the signs and symptoms of abuse or to be unable to recognize it. I knew that he had been cruel and hateful to my sister many times. That he manipulated her, called her names, and stole things from her. But still it did not register that MY SISTER was a victim of domestic violence. No, as far as we knew he had never hit her before that night. But, she went through TEN years of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse from him. I understand now that what she was going through was the Cycle of Violence, but it makes me realize even more so how badly we need education about domestic violence in our communities. You only think about domestic violence when there is physical violence, but there are so many other forms of abuse that are not talked about. That could ultimately lead to domestic violence homicide. You never think it will happen to your family, but once it happens your lives are irrevocably changed. I knew after Tabitha's murder that I couldn't bear for any other family to go through the pain that we have in losing a loved one. I started this foundation to spread awareness on this epidemic and hopefully allow victims still in abusive relationships to see they are not alone. That there are people out there advocating against this and they can find help. We do weekly posts now sharing the stories of victims of violence who have lost their lives and survivors to show to spread awareness and sign a spotlight on why violence must end. I hope that you will join in my family's journey after Tabitha's murder.

Thank You & Sending You Love,

Tabitha's Little Sister,

Nikki

www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha

www.twitter.com/justice4tabitha

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com

A Letter From Tabitha's Sister

Hello,

Thank you for visiting our blog. I have started this blog two years, two months, and fifteen days after my sister, Tabitha Gayle Brock, was murdered. For over two years I have worked to start a non-profit charity foundation in memory of my sister. On the night of May 10, 2012 sometime after 10:15 pm her ex-boyfriend murdered her in front of their four-year-old son. He claimed that he struck out once and hit her with the side of his hand on her neck and that she fell down. He said he left the room and came back 30 seconds later and she was dead. He said that he only hit her the one time after they had been arguing for a while. All the blame in his eyes was placed on her. Their four-year-old son was in the home at the time and witnessed his mother's murder. From the very beginning her son has kept the same story about what he witnessed that night. He said that his parents were arguing and that his daddy began hitting his mommy in the head and stomach over and over again. He said that his daddy pushed her down and that she got back up. Her ex pushed her down again and this time she did not get up. Clayton, her son, said that he went and laid down next to his mommy and pretended he was asleep next to her because he was afraid. He said that she did not open her eyes again, but she tried to tell him she loved him. It hurts me to know the pain this little boy has gone through. After Tabitha died her ex placed her body in the passenger side of her car, left Clayton home alone, and then drove her to Enos Road past Seymour. He parked the car up an incline and poured gasoline over my sister and inside the car. He lit the car and her on fire and then let it roll down the hill. He was attempting to cause the car to hit a tree at the bottom and make it look like an accident. After all of this he went back home, showered, and then left with my nephew Clayton. It was a long twelve hours as we waited at my mom's house for news on my nephew. I did not know if we were going to get a call saying that he had killed himself and Clayton also. The State Police caught him in Kentucky at a McDonald's after his truck broke down. Clayton was adopted by Tabitha's mother. There has been a lot that has happened since Tabitha's murder. We have chosen to do something positive out of all the tragedy that happened. My sister was a beautiful kind and generous soul. We were blessed to have had such a wonderful person in our lives. Tabitha lost her life due to domestic violence and the anger of one man. This epidemic causes the deaths of more than three women and one man every single day in the United States and hurts countless families. I do believe that together we can change this with education and awareness. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect or be abused. If you ever feel need to speak with someone you can message us on our Facebook page. I know the pain that losing my sister has caused on my family and I would not wish it on anyone. Know that you are worth more than abuse and beautiful in every single way.

Tabitha's Little Sister,
Nikki Allman

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com
www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha
justicefortabitha@hotmail.com