Confessions of a Wimp!

Last week, I commented on a post from Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence.  The post concerned why men were taking the Blow the Whistle Challenge!  I wrote the following:

Confessions of a Wimp!

She slapped me,

I didn’t slap her back,

Because I don’t hit women!

She punched me,

I didn’t punch her back,

Because I don’t hit women!

She beat me with a club,

I didn’t beat her back,

Because I don’t hit women!

I escaped, I grew, I found happiness. I am a survivor!

And I hold my head high,

 Because I don’t hit women!

If that makes me a Wimp,

I wear the title proudly!

The administrators at Break the Silence saw fit to post my words along with my photo on their page….the response was overwhelming.  The post drew over 1500 “likes” and over 135 comments!  A majority of the comments were positive, many stating that I was not a “wimp” but a “real man!”  Most of the positive comments came from women, but there were also men supporting the notion that men should not hit women.   But then, of course, there were a few negative comments, all from men.  Overall, it made for a positive post, reaffirming the concept that men should not hit women.  Unfortunately, that wasn’t my entire point.

I waxed a little too poetic….but in order to get my point across, I would need something like, well, something like this, a blog post to explain my thoughts.  But as I contemplate how to explain my “point” I realize why it is difficult for people to understand it, because in many ways, I'm a dreamer!

My primary concept is that I don’t hit women for ANY reason!  That is how I was raised, and that is how I live.   I believe it so strongly that, even when she gave me, perhaps the only justification for hitting her, I would not allow myself to do so.  Those who were negative pretty much followed the same point, that I should have “defended” myself.  In my mind “defense” is to protect oneself from harm.  Responding in kind is not “defense,” it is “offensive” in nature.  Especially if the person responding has the physical advantage!  In other words, hitting her because she hit me, is merely an excuse to hit her…if that makes any sense.

Let me try to explain with a silly hypothetical example.  My father taught me woodworking at a young age (I started working with him when I was probably 6 or 7 years old).  He taught me the proper way to swing a hammer.  I can, with fair consistency, drive a 16 penny nail into a 2 x 4 with one or two strikes using a 16 ounce hammer. Suppose my 7 year old grand daughter challenged me to a contest in driving nails.  She can barely lift a 16 ounce hammer, let alone swing it properly, but hey, she challenged me!  I win the contest easily, I dance around the shop, I talk smack to her “ha ha, I won!”  In reality, I used her “challenge” as an excuse to embarrass a little child.  I accomplished absolutely nothing! 

It is a simple fact of nature that men and women are built differently.  I am 60 years old, and out of shape….but I can’t think of too many women I would not be able to hurt in a physical confrontation.  A woman such as MMA sensation Ronda Rousey may be able to beat me to a pulp, but I probably could, without competitive rules, be able to hurt her before she did so, or maybe not…but the point is, in most cases, men have a physical advantage over women.  (As a side note, I commend Ms. Rousey for saying she would not fight a man, saying, “I don’t think it’s a great idea to have a man hitting a woman on television.”…from ESPN.go.com “Rousey: Bad idea to fight a man”).  So, just as in my example above, when a man beats up a woman, what has he accomplished (or proven)….absolutely nothing!

Getting back to the point I was trying to make with my Confessions of a Wimp blurb…If men start with the assertion that they will not hit a woman, even in “self defense,” then they will not find ANY reasons to hit women!

Perhaps the most common comment on the Break the Silence post was “REAL men don’t hit women!”  Which begs the question:  What is a “real” man?  Unfortunately, the statement “Real men don’t hit women” has, in many ways, become a slogan, oft repeated, but not always followed.  When a slogan is repeated often enough, it loses its meaning…and becomes just a “slogan” without definition.  How does one define what constitutes a “real” man?  Unfortunately, society has far too many ideas of what a “real” man is.  Real men don’t take “stuff” from anybody, Real men love sports, Real men hunt, Real men love cars, Real men don’t fear anything, Real men fight, Real men have a job, Real men support their families, Real men wear the pants in the family, Real men control their women, Real men are patriots, Real men…………….I could probably fill many pages with conflicting statements starting with “Real men are…”

Humans are far too complicated to be defined with simple slogans.  My Father taught me that the only thing that really defines a person, is integrity. According to him, integrity consists of honesty, responsibility, and morality.  Furthermore, he had a simple concept of morality…”you just know when something is wrong, and hurting people is just plain wrong!”

Perhaps I am naïve, but I cannot understand the “why” of Violence in general.  I made the strong statement that “I don’t hit women,” but the plain truth of the matter is, I don’t hit anyone!  In my entire life, I can truthfully say that I have only hit one person with the intention of hurting them…and then I only did so at the insistence of another!  (You guessed it, my abuser.  She insisted that I punch out her brother for spreading lies about her “sleeping around,” which, as it turned out, were not lies.)  I abhor violence in any situation, and I cannot understand why people feel that violence is necessary.  I am not so naïve to think that everyone will think as I do, far greater men than I, such as Mohandas Gandhi and Martin Luther King, Jr., advocated non-violence in eloquent fashion…but the world remains a violent place.

I guess in the final analysis, the point of my Confessions blurb was this:  I was driven to silence by people calling me a “wimp” because I didn’t “stand up” to my abuser.  I have broken that silence because I now realize that not resorting to violence is not a weakness, and I want to help other men understand that as well.  However,  I wasn’t trying to set myself up as something special because I don’t hit women.  I wasn’t trying to say that I was a victim of abuse because I don’t hit women (there are many other factors involved, which I hope to address in another post).  I wasn’t saying that people should not defend themselves against violence.  My point was that, if men would only draw a hard line and accept that there is absolutely no reason or excuse for hitting a women, then they won’t find reasons or excuses to hit women.  If nothing else, I suppose I wanted to shame any man who thinks that beating up someone weaker than himself is some kind of accomplishment.

Far too many men believe that they are justified in hitting women for various reasons: to prove that they are a “man,” to make sure the woman “respects” that he is the “man,” to punish her for some real or imagined transgression because he is the “man” in charge, or the most ridiculous of all, to show that he “wears the pants!”  Violence proves absolutely nothing, except that the offender is as bully, and is incapable of finding better ways to solve problems. 

If the standard is non-violence, then violence becomes a thing of the past.  In the words of John Lennon:  "You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.  I hope some day you will join us, and the world will be as one."

And I stand by my statement:  If not hurting others makes me a wimp, then I am proud to call myself a Wimp!

Gustaf (Gus) Brock

A SHARED LAST NAME

My name is Gus.  I was honored and flattered when Tabitha’s little sister, Nikki Allman, asked me to become a contributor on the The Tabitha Brock Foundation Blog.  As a means of introduction, I would like to relate my incredible journey over the past couple of years.

First a bit of background:  I am a survivor of Domestic Violence, I am a 60 year old male, and I’m a long haul truck driver.  The abuse I suffered occurred during the 1970s, and I was able to break free of my abuser in 1980, but this piece is not really about the abuse I suffered, rather it is about the aftermath.  It is about the years of silence which ensued because of the aftermath.  But mostly I want to share the incredible, continuing, journey, brought about by three amazing women, which has brought me to where I am today….a very non-silent, advocate against Domestic Violence, and against violence in general.

There were then, as now, strong stereotypes about male victims of domestic violence.  Only males who were “wimps” and “henpecked” suffered abuse.  And then, only at the hands of large, hulking, masculine, women.  No man, who was truly “a man” would “allow” a mere woman to physically beat him. I was raised to respect women, and to never hit a woman for ANY reason. Support systems for victims of Domestic Violence were rare, and confined to the assistance of “battered women.”  Support for male victims was nonexistent.  I was lucky to have found a counselor named Diane (who was a graduate student intern), whom was also a survivor of Domestic Violence.  She made me realize that no one deserved to be abused, and she helped me to be able to break away from my abuser.  Unfortunately, she soon graduated and moved away.  Little did I know that she was one of the few that understood that men could also be victims of physical abuse.

After I broke free from my abuser, I returned to college to study Psychology.  It was a joke amongst Psych majors that people only studied Psychology in order to figure out their own screwed up lives.  With me, it was literally the truth.  Through my studies, I I gained an understanding about many aspects of my life, especially issues relating to my childhood.  One of my professors discovered that I was dyslexic, explaining many of my struggles in school. My studies explained my lack of self esteem, helped explore the causes of my childhood stutter, and my fear of dating and interpersonal relationships.  However, my experience as a "battered husband" was never addressed.

The subject of domestic abuse was almost taboo…and when I tried to bring it up, I was advised to change majors to “women’s studies!”  I was once told that “battered Men’s syndrome” was a myth.  During one class, the subject of “Battered Women’s Syndrome” (as it was called back then) was a topic of discussion.  A lot of ridiculous ideas were brought up (such as the idea that women “craved” discipline from men).  I mentioned that I was a victim of abuse, that my former wife often beat me.  One woman laughed and said “what, did she slap you and hurt your feelings?”  I calmly related to her the worst beating I ever received: 

My ex was angry that the Navy had assigned me to go overseas for a period of 3 months.  She demanded that I get the orders changed; I told her I couldn’t get them changed, even if I wanted to.  She replied “I can!”  I owned a two piece pool cue, the two pieces screwed together, and the heavy end was about the size, shape, and weight of a police billy club.  She picked up the heavy end of the cue, and began beating me with it, swinging it like a baseball bat, and swearing that she was going to kill me.  I did my best to ward of the blows with my arms, doing what I could to protect my head. I tried to take the cue away from her, but then she swung low, and hit my lower leg, breaking it in the process.  I started to fall, and put my hands out to break the fall, which gave her the opportunity to swing at my head.  She struck me behind the right ear, as I was losing consciousness, I remember the sheer terror, and belief that I was about to die.  I knew that, once I blacked out, I would not be able to protect myself….I knew that in her state of rage that she would beat me to death. I felt one more blow to the head, and remembered no more. When I regained consciousness, a Corpsman at the emergency room of the Naval Hospital I worked at, was helping me out of my car (I have no idea how I got in the car), and my ex was telling him that “the clumsy idiot fell down a flight of stairs,” at the same time, letting me know the story I had better stick to.   I had several more injuries than I had before she knocked me out, so apparently she continued to beat me.  Why she stopped, I’ll never know.  I ended up with a broken leg, two broken ribs, and a concussion from at least 3 blows to the head, and many bruises and contusions.  Needless to say, because of the broken leg, my overseas orders were changed.

The woman in the class looked at me and said “if she did that to you, you probably deserved it….but no ‘real’ man would allow that, all you had to do was deck her.”  I told her “I don’t hit women for any reason.”  She replied, “then you’re a damned fool!”  Most of the others in the class agreed with her, saying that I should have “defended” myself.  I tried to explain that I tried to “protect” myself, but I believed that inflicting violence on another, in any situation, is not “defensive,” but rather “offensive” in nature.  At that point a male student told me I needed to “grow a set,” and the professor cut off further discussion and ended the class.  But even the professor did not support my position.  Not long after that, I decided not to subject myself to that kind of ridicule (and abuse) again….I pushed my feelings into a deep dark hole, somewhere in the back of my mind. And, except for a few nightmares, that is where they stayed, for over 30 years!

About two years ago, someone shared a photo that appeared on my Facebook page, two photo’s actually.  The first was of someone, barely recognizable as human…a bruised and battered face, swollen, and covered in cuts, a person barely alive!  Next to it was the image of a beautiful young blond woman, with the prettiest smile.  Her name was Melissa Dohme.  She had survived a brutal knife attack by an ex boyfriend.  It was her smile that intrigued me.  Here this young woman had nearly died at the hands of someone who claimed to care for her.  Instead of turning to anger and bitterness, she had chosen to become an advocate against Domestic Violence, and dedicated her survival to helping others avoid falling in the same situation she had endured.  Melissa’s smile, although a bit "off kilter," (due to nerve damage in her face) was so REAL.  It radiated strength, determination, conviction….and true Joy, Joy at being alive, Joy at helping others, and the Joy of becoming stronger and better everyday.  I was impressed and inspired by Melissa’s continuing story.  I began to follow her page.  I started reading the comments of women who were involved in, or had escaped from abusive relationships.  As I read them, I began to realize, that their stories, were my story.  Hesitantly, I began to make a few comments myself, relating my own experiences.  I half expected to be told to go away, or for people to reject or mock my comments.  I was somewhat shocked when people supported my comments, and commended me for coming forward.  I started to see the possibility that I could address the demons that I had kept hidden for so long.  And then came an extremely emotional day!

As Facebook is want to do, they often “suggest” pages with “similar content” when visiting certain pages.  This was true on Melissa’s page.  I usually just glance at these suggestions; I’ve never been very good at “multi tasking” and tend to stick to a minimal number of pages to follow.  However, one of the “suggested” pages caught my eye.  I saw my last name!

A side note here:  I am an emotional person; I tear up easily for anything from a beautiful Mozart Aria, to kids getting excited about a puppy on Christmas morning.  Often my emotions are touched deeply, and I’m well aware that emotion follows no logic, as will be seen.

I saw my last name “Brock”, and clicked on the link.  I was rewarded with the smiling face of a beautiful young woman.  I suppose I was expecting a story similar to that of Melissa Dohme’s.  An inspirational story of survival, struggle and triumph!  ….and then I felt the pool cue hit me in the side of the head!  That is when I realized that this was a memorial page, and the smiling young woman was no longer with us, murdered, by Domestic Violence.  I’m not sure why, perhaps because of the shared name, but it hit me hard.  I am not related to Tabitha, as far as I know.  I had never met her, I hadn’t ever heard of her!  But I sat in my truck crying over the death of this young woman.  I’ve read many stories about young people being taken far too soon, but this wasn’t some tragic auto accident, or some disease such as cancer.  No, someone decided she should not live.  Then my sadness turned into anger.  How dare he do this?  I took this personally; I would never get the chance to meet this lovely person because someone had the arrogance to believe he had to right to take her life.  And then my emotions took an even more illogical turn….I began to feel guilty.  Why couldn’t I have been there to protect her?  Why wasn’t I there to stop this terrible thing from happening?  (As I said, emotion follows no logic.)  I flashed back on that night that I believed I was going to die, I was being beaten to death, and I could do nothing to stop it….I prayed to the Master of the Universe that Tabitha had not experienced such terror….All of these emotions, because of a shared last name.  I had to stop reading, I didn’t understand why I reacted so intensely.  But I hit the “like” button, vowing to return. 

And I did return. I learned more about the efforts to stop Domestic Abuse, and to bring about more awareness.  I began to share some of my experience.  The Tabitha Brock Foundation page (along with Melissa’s page) lead me to Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence.  All three pages made me feel welcome, and accepted.  After more than 30 years of Silence I was able to open up about the abuse I suffered.  I no longer felt like a “victim,” instead, I was a Survivor.  But the Tabitha Brock page went a step further.  The responses to my “comments” were personal, in the person of “Tabitha’s Little Sister” Nikki.  I am inspired by Nikki and her mother Cindy Lou.  I can’t imagine the depths of despair at losing a child or a sibling to such senseless violence.  But Nikki has turned her despair and anger into something positive, keeping the memory of Tabitha alive to help others!   Nikki seemed to understand my need to be included in the Domestic Violence conversation.  Last January, Nikki invited me to share my story on the Survivor Saturday feature on the foundation’s page.  I agreed to do so, but I felt some reluctance.   I gave her the excuse that it would be some time, since I was so busy.  I had never shared my story with anyone; even my wife of 26 years had only heard bits and pieces of it.  I was afraid to open myself up to ridicule and shame again.  Thus far I had only made a few comments…how would the whole story come across??  I delayed for a couple months, but then I went back to The Tabitha Brock Foundation page, trying to decide if I should “take the plunge,” or give Nikki another excuse!   Then I started reading Tabitha’s story again….and the emotions came back.  I couldn’t explain why Tabitha’s story affected me so strongly; simply having a shared last name could not be the only reason.  Then I realized, Tabitha is/was around the same age as my own kids.  I couldn’t protect her, but how can I protect them?   Nikki gave me the answer:  had she, and Tabitha, and others known the signs and triggers of Domestic Violence, perhaps this tragedy could have been avoided.  The only means I had to protect my kids, and grand kids, or anyone, was to make them aware….To BREAK THE SILENCE!

So, in March, I wrote my story.  It was difficult recalling the years of fear and the feelings of worthlessness.  But as I wrote, I started to get a feeling of freedom.  I felt the weight of a thousand demons leave my shoulders. The response on Facebook was fantastic, a great deal of support and praise, and even gratitude for sharing my story.  My wife, and my kids, learned a lot about me…and it even explained why I react the way I do to certain events.  I even learned a few things about myself.  Mostly that Silence is far from golden, it can be deadly.  I’ve always hated change, I like routine…and it takes a lot to get me to change my routine.  Routine is safe, routine does not take much effort, routine can hide a lot of pain….but my routine has been broken, this time by something as simple as a shared last name.

Soon after I shared my story, I noticed a lot of the people at Break the Silence were talking about SurvivorInk, a BTS tattoo, depicting a purple ribbon with the letters “bts” incorporated into the ribbon.  I wanted that tattoo…I wanted a permanent declaration that I would be silent no more, a means to open the discussion about Domestic Violence, and a testament to three women who had greatly affected my life:  Melissa Dohme, Nikki Allman, and especially, Tabitha Brock.  When I got the tattoo, I debated where I would place it.  My wife went with me when I got it, and she told me to put it on the inside of my right arm, so that when I shook hands, people could not help but notice it.  And it has opened a lot of discussions.  The first photo of my tattoo, I shared on The Tabitha Brock Foundation page…in memory of Tabitha.

On a personal note:  When I got my tattoo, I considered including Tabitha’s name, or initials as part of the tattoo.  But then I decided that such a thing would be inappropriate. Such a personal touch was something reserved for her family and loved ones.  But then one day, I was looking at my tattoo, admiring it really, it had healed and the color popped….it was looking good.  Suddenly I realized Tabitha was there, in my tattoo….as I said, I am dyslexic, numbers and letters often appear in reverse order….and while the rest of the world sees “b t s” for Break the Silence, to me it will always read “s t b” for the Spirit of Tabitha Brock!

And so my journey continues.  I have become quite vocal about Domestic Violence, and I’m trying to become more involved in this cause.  (Now I’m even writing a blog about Domestic Violence.)  I no longer fear ridicule, although I still encounter a great deal of ridicule, non-belief, and scorn, but it makes for a “lively” conversation.  But it doesn’t bother me anymore, because I know that the conversation is still bringing about awareness!  And I also know that there are places I can go where I will feel accepted and supported.  Our society has a long way to go when it comes to Domestic Violence, and violence in general.  In future posts I hope to explore the “male” perspective on Domestic Violence, both as a survivor, and a male in general. 

Change is slow to occur, and it often happens just one person at a time.  I truly believe, that if just one person is helped because of me Breaking my Silence, then it is all worthwhile.  Change can come about from simple actions and events.....even from something as simple as a shared last name!

Gustaf (Gus) Brock

Education Key to Ending Domestic Violence

Before May 10, 2012 I had never even thought about how much domestic violence affects our world. I doubt I even really thought about domestic violence at all. It all changed drastically when I received a call from my mom at 5:36am on May 11, 2012. When I made it to her house I learned one of my older sisters, Tabitha Brock, had been murdered and set on fire by her ex-boyfriend. He was the father of her son and had murdered her right in front of their child.

Throughout my entire childhood never once were we spoke to about teen dating violence or sexual abuse during school. It was in eighth grade that Tabitha met the man who would later murder her. She was 14 years old and he was 21. They dated quietly for a year before anyone found out. He seemed quiet and charming. Not someone you would ever think could be capable of something so evil. Over the course of the next few years I watched as he charmed his way into my sister's heart. Bringing her expensive gifts, taking her out to dinners and the movies, and seeming like the perfect guy.

It wouldn't be long until he began the usual tactics of a domestic abuser. While, he never hit my sister until the night he killed her (as far as we know) he was emotionally and psychologically abusive to her over the course of ten years. It began with small comments to make her feel negatively about herself and later went to more extreme measures including stalking her and stealing items from her house and his workplace. Tabitha had separated from him several years before he murdered her, but stayed in contact because of their son together.

I did not understand that during those ten years what I was watching happen to my sister was domestic violence. I knew that he was mean to her at times and had strange behaviors, but I thought he was "just a jerk". I don't think I ever thought he would physically harm my sister. Now, looking back I feel devastated for not recognizing the signs of abuse and how serious it was.

I should have tried harder to get her away from him, taken her more seriously when she talked about all the crazy things he did, and spoken up when I saw the behavior myself. I understand now I simply did not have the knowledge, nor the courage, to do so at the time. I could write a thousand things I could have done differently, but it would not change it now. All I can do is try to prevent future violence in her memory.

Now, after three years of intense study about domestic violence I do what I can to educate those around me so that they do not go through my sister's fate. Educating children young on teen dating violence, sexual abuse, and bullying is vital in ending the epidemic of violence that is ravaging our world. Without a true understanding of these types of violence, and where to go if one is going through it, we will continue to see the cycle of violence continue.

It starts at home in educating others about abuse, but it's just as important that schools, workplaces, and businesses get involved in preventing domestic violence. On average, 24 people per minute are victims of rape, physical violence, or stalking by an intimate partner in the United States - more than 12 million women and men over the course of a year (NDVH). It happens across the board through all age groups, cultures, and demographics.

If you are being abused please reach out to a trusted loved one or a local domestic violence agency! You do not deserve to be treated with less than respect. Love is patient, kind, and respectful. Never cruel, abusive, or controlling. To educate yourself about domestic violence please 'like' our page on Facebook and/or read through the articles below. Make sure to examine the relationships that you, your family, and friends have and ask yourself if it is healthy. If you need someone to talk to you can message us on our Facebook page.

Best of Wishes,
Nikki Allman

In Loving Memory of

Tabitha Gayle Brock

Beloved Mother, Daughter, and Sister

Born - November 20, 1988

Murdered - May 10, 2012

Links:
www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com
http://www.thehotline.org/resources/statistics/
http://www.ncadv.org/
http://www.breakthecycle.org/

My Sister. My Friend.

I have the unfortunate reality that tomorrow is my birthday and I will be 24 years old. While most would look at this age as nothing in particular; for me it has special significance. At 23-years-old, I am now the age that my sister was when she was brutally murdered and later set on fire. I was 21-years-old when Tabitha Brock, my 23-year-old sister, was taken from us. Now nearly three years later I am the age she was and tomorrow...I will be older.

I do not understand completely why I dread this so terribly; except with the knowledge that it will be the first time in our lives, now my life, that I am older. Tabitha took great pride in being an older sister and I regularly looked forward to calls from her; just checking up on me. She was the greatest friend I had ever known. She was always the very first to text me, "Happy Birthday". I believe she waited up till midnight every time because by 12:05am there would be a text from her.

I truly believed we would have our entire lives together and watch one another grow old. I thought we would laugh as our bodies aged and take care of one another. She was kind, compassionate, and a friend anyone would hope for. My childhood memories with her consist of playing Barbies, singing Britney Spears on Karaoke, and long talks at night. Watching Disney movies and staying up late during hot summer nights.

I remember the first time I ever thought of Tabitha dying. I was maybe eight years old and had just finished reading Bridge to Terabithia. The story of two young friends I was instantly drawn in. Later in the book when the young girl died I kept thinking about Tabitha. All the times we would play and how quickly it could be lost. Something, or someone, could very easily take us away from one another. It would be the first, but not the last time, I cried over her loss.

Now here I am. Nearly three years later dreading my 24th birthday tomorrow. I know she would want me to be joyous about it and tomorrow I know I will have a wonderful and fun time with my family. I cherish my time with them more than ever. But, for tonight, I will allow myself the time to mourn this loss again. To remember the beautiful blonde haired girl I played with for so many hours during my childhood. For the incredible young mother she was to her son, who she loved more than anything. And to the greatest friend I have ever known.

I Love You, Tabitha.

Your Little Sister,

Nikki Allman

My sister, my friend.

Tabitha Gayle Brock

Born November 20, 1988 - Murdered May 10, 2012

Nikki Allman (left) & Tabitha Brock (right)

Social Media:

www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha 

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com

www.twitter.com/justice4tabitha 

Domestic Violence Is Not Just Physical

 

Domestic violence (DV) is often thought to be only when someone physically assaults their partner. Physical abuse, while extremely life threatening, is not the only form of abuse that a victim of violence can undergo. The most common form of abuse is emotional. DV includes; emotional, physical, mental, sexual, financial, and spiritual abuse. Below I will provide examples of each type of abuse so you can better understand how to recognize this in your own and loved one's relationships.

Emotional Abuse: Undermining an individual’s sense of self-worth and/or self-esteem, constant criticism, diminishing one’s abilities, name-calling, or damaging one’s relationship with his or her children.

Physical Abuse: Hitting, Slapping, Shoving, Grabbing, Pinching, Biting, Hair Pulling, Etc. Includes denying a partner medical care or forcing alcohol and/or drug use upon him or her.

Mental Abuse: Causing fear by intimidation, threatening physical harm to self, partner, children, or partner’s family or friends, destruction of property, physical harm to partner’s pets, forcing isolation from family, friends, or school and/or work.

Sexual Abuse: Coercing or attempting to coerce any sexual contact or behavior without consent. Martial rape, attacks on sexual parts of the body, forcing sex after physical violence has occurred, or treating one in a sexually demeaning manner.

Financial Abuse: Making or attempting to make an individual financially dependent by maintaining total control over financial resources, withholding one’s access to money, forbidding one’s attendance at school or employment.

Spiritual Abuse: Refusing to allow partner to attend church or spiritual practices of their faith, forcing partner to adhere to a religion other than their own, forcing partner to do acts that are against their faith, not allowing partner to attend spiritual counseling.

As you can see domestic violence can include multiple types of abuse. While physical is the most deadly, many of the survivors I have spoken to say that the emotional/mental was the worst part of an abusive relationship for them. If you recognize any of these signs in your own relationship or a loved one's please reach out. No one deserves to be abused! Below I have provided links where you can reach out for help .

Best Regards,
Nikki


Links:

http://www.icadvinc.org/ (For Indiana Residents - DV)
https://www.rainn.org/ (For Sexual Abuse Victims)
http://www.ncadv.org/ (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)
http://www.breakthesilencedv.org/ (Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence)
http://bandbacktogether.com/how-to-help-friend-abusive-relationship/ (How to help a Friend)

Dr. Phil Episode on Domestic Violence

Post by Dr. Phil.

Our Social Media: 

www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com

www.twitter.com/justice4tabitha

http://thetabithabrockfoundation.blogspot.com/

Struggling with PTSD

In our society there is very little education on mental illness. We tend to keep silent about this type of pain. It is important for us to break this stigma and allow open discussion on mental health. Today, I would like to write about PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) and the causes, symptoms, and long term effects relating to it.

I felt the need to write this post on my own struggle. I was diagnosed with PTSD last year, nearly two years after the murder and burning of my older sister, Tabitha. I did not seek a therapist until I began to have severe physical symptoms and doctors could find nothing wrong with me. I became very ill, barely able to eat, nauseous constantly, and had terrible stomach pains. The pain was so overwhelming at times I was sure I was dying.

I had been very close to my sister and took her death very hard. At the time I did not know that PTSD was escalating the grief I was feeling for her. I could barely leave the house unless it was for work or to do a community event on domestic violence awareness. I lost countless friends because I could not bear to be around other people. It only reminded me of my loss. I have extreme anxiety attacks over the smallest encounters. For a long time I hide away from others because of fear of anxiety; even thinking about it can cause an anxiety attack.

PTSD can be caused by being in combat, rape or sexual abuse, living through a disaster, or any traumatic event. Anyone can develop this disorder and it is not a sign of weakness. Most people experience some type of stress after trauma, but if it continues to linger you may have PTSD. To know for sure you can set an appointment with your family doctor or a local therapist.

Symptoms of PTSD can include: severe anxiety, startled responses, always feeling on alert, fear, losing interest in activities you once enjoyed, feeling numb, avoidance of anything that reminds you of the event, guilt over the event, angry responses such as lashing out at family or friends, neglecting health, drinking too much or consuming drugs, or physical symptoms such as stomach pains, headaches, and fatigue.

For some people, with the help of a good therapist, they can quickly heal from PTSD, but others may live with the symptoms for the rest of their lives. It has nothing to do with strength or weakness. Everyone is wired differently and has different responses to this disorder. If you are able to safely speak to friends or family I recommend you open up about the issues you are facing. There is nothing wrong with asking for help. If they better understand what you are going through the easier they can provide you with support.

In the meantime there are many things you can try to help get you through your day. Recognizing my triggers helped me be able to better avoid them when necessary. Triggers are anything that causes you to feel anxiety, fear, or a negative emotional response. Such as watching violence on television may be extremely upsetting for someone who had experienced violence close hand. If you can write in a journal what causes these episodes you can better prepare yourself for when it happens.

Activities that can help; keeping a daily journal, meditating daily, reading positive books, meeting up with a small group of friends or family, writing friends online when you don't feel like leaving the house that day, bond with an animal companion, gardening, taking morning walks, connecting with a therapist trained in trauma, trying one new or old hobby a week.

What has helped me is slowly trying to do activities that I once enjoyed. For a long time after Tabitha's murder I could not bring myself to write, something I loved. It has taken time, but now I try to write at least once a week and it has helped me tremendously. I continue to work on the foundation page I created in memory of my sister. It gives me a purpose and allows me to spread awareness to why violence must end,

The struggle with PTSD is real and it is difficult, but there is a lot one can do to help ease the symptoms. If you do not have friends or family for support you can always look for online groups where survivors connect. Just know that you are not alone and it is not your fault. I have provided links below on more information.

- Nikki, Tabitha's Little Sister


Links:

http://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/understanding_ptsd/booklet.pdf 

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Posttraumatic_stress_disorder

http://www.webmd.com/anxiety-panic/guide/post-traumatic-stress-disorder


Online Support Groups:

http://ptsd.supportgroups.com/

http://www.healthfulchat.org/ptsd-chat-room.html


Face-to-Face Support Groups:

http://ptsd.meetup.com/

http://ptsdusa.org/get-help/warrior-groups/

Our Social Media: 

www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com

www.twitter.com/justice4tabitha

http://thetabithabrockfoundation.blogspot.com/

What is the Impact of Domestic Violence?

Domestic violence is a subject that can be difficult to think about, let alone speak about, but for many it is a reality they are forced to live with everyday. Domestic violence kills more than three women and one man every day in the United States. It is because of these dangerous numbers that we must do our best to educate the public on this epidemic.

I first came into knowledge about domestic violence in May 2012. It was on the tenth of that month that my 23-year-old sister was murdered in front of her four-year-old son by his father. She was in college at the time and just completed her first semester; making straight A's. She had been a hair stylist for six years, but wanted to do something different after she had her son. She wanted him to have a good life and decided to go to college to possibly become an elementary school teacher. She never got to finish college. She will never see her son grow up or attend another family Christmas dinner. So many memories stolen from her future.

I was 21-years-old at the time of her murder and emotionally could not handle what happened. I didn't understand how he could have killed her. At the time I knew virtually nothing about domestic violence. Although I knew how badly he treated her it didn't click that it may ever turn into anything violent. I just thought he was a jerk and cruel to her. I never knew he would eventually kill her and then set her body on fire in her car. I began to research all I could about domestic violence, the signs, it's impact, anything I could find. I started a Facebook page in her memory (The Tabitha Brock Foundation).

I would find something that would both break my heart and inspire me at the same time. I found that there was a whole network of advocates working to educate society on domestic violence. I was able to read their stories and connect, but it broke my heart to know what they had endured. I read of Melissa Dohme's (Support Melissa) story of survival where she had been brutally stabbed 32 times by an ex-boyfriend. She went on to become a strong and courageous advocate against domestic violence and now has shared her story with thousands of people at events, high schools, and colleges.

I read of the tragic murder of Ashleigh Marie Lindsay and her unborn daughter, Patience (Memorial Facebook Page). Ashleigh had been severely abused by Joshua Mahaffey, her ex-boyfriend. She went into hiding to protect herself and her child after leaving him. For a month she went from friends house to friends house. She made plans to go to a domestic violence shelter on a Saturday. Friday Joshua Mahaffey found Ashleigh. He shot Ashleigh and their unborn child, Patience. He then killed himself. Ashleigh passed away from her injuries. Her family now works to spread awareness to domestic violence in Ashleigh and Patience's memories (Ashleigh's Patience Project).

I connected with others through a wonderful national organization called Break the Silence Against Domestic Violence. It was founded by Kristen Paruginog who had shared her story of survival on social media. She went on to create a 501(c)(3) non-profit to help educate the community on this issue and empower victims of domestic violence to become survivors. BTS has reached people from all around the world and gave a community to advocates and survivors. +Breakthesilence DV

I began to understand the impact of domestic violence on our society the more stories I read. My sister, Tabitha, was one of three women who died on May 10th over two years ago. I know the impact that her loss had on my community. Her son lost both his mother and his father in one day. His mother was murdered and his father jailed. My mother lost a daughter and three siblings lost a sister. Tabitha had so many family and friends that loved her completely. Her loss broke their hearts. The cost to me was the loss of a sister, grief, and PTSD. The effects rippled out to hundreds of people because of one man's actions.

Think of the impact of this on society as a whole. Imagine every day in the United States three women and one man losing their lives. Their loss will harm so many people. Not only would this cause a serious economic impact on our society, but also on the emotional, physical, and spiritual health of those involved in the loss. (Community Cost of Domestic Violence)

I am now a few months away from being 24-years-old. It will be the first time in my life I will be older than my sister. It makes my heart ache. I have in this time done what I can to educate my community on domestic violence and attempt to end the stigma around it. While some subjects in this life may be uncomfortable to bring to light it is something we must do if we are to ever eliminate this tragic epidemic.

What I would suggest to those looking to become an advocate against domestic violence is to read everything you find on this issue. There are many great resources I will link that can help you understand the signs, symptoms, and impact of DV. You could also contact your local domestic violence shelter and ask to volunteer or for more information. Talking to family members, friends, and even strangers is key to educating our society on DV.

Wishing You the Best,
Tabitha's Little Sister Nikki

Resources:

http://www.icadvinc.org/ 
http://www.ncadv.org/
http://www.breakthesilencedv.org/
https://www.rainn.org/
http://www.thehotline.org/
http://nnedv.org/

Tabitha Brock with her son, Clayton, two weeks before her murder. 

Tabitha Gayle Brock

Born November 20, 1988 - Murdered May 10, 2012

Beloved mother, sister, and friend. 

 Our Social Media:

www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com

www.twitter.com/justice4tabitha

http://thetabithabrockfoundation.blogspot.com/

After Losing A Loved One To Murder

I was standing in the bathroom over the sink trying not to get sick when I first realized it. I had been there for over an hour and had yet to see one friend show up. I laid on the floor of the bathroom and curled in a ball rocking back and forth; my hand covering my mouth as the ragged sobs escaped my body. I knew I was going to have to leave the bathroom soon or people would begin wondering where I was. I stood up and looked at myself in the mirror. I knew it was me, but I didn't recognize the haunted look in my eyes. The way my skin was slightly too pale and I couldn't keep my hands from shaking. Straightening my plain black dress I cleared my throat and composed myself. I didn't want anyone to see the pain I was in. I felt it would only add to their own agony.

I walked out of the bathroom and came back into the main room. There were more people showing up now. I kept scanning the room trying to find a familiar face - someone who came to support me. It wouldn't be until the preacher got up to speak and we were asked to take our seats that I knew for sure no one was coming. Not one of my friends had shown up to my sister's funeral. I couldn't shake the feeling of utter disappointment and confusion. How could not one friend show up to support me? My sister had been murdered just days earlier and I was still in shock, but not enough to not realize how alone I felt. I had my family there and my loyal boyfriend. He stayed by my side the entire time. But, not one friend. All the friends I had throughout school, all my current friends from work and those I hung out with on a regular basis. No one came. I couldn't understand it - let alone process it.

I've come more now to realize that when something tragic happens in a small community like murder most often people do not know how to handle it or what to say. Instead of reaching out to the family most often they say nothing. That's not to discount the wonderful people who did come forward to support us. Those who did support us we love incredibly, but still can not understand all those who did not. I can not count the times that when I have brought up my sister's name or her story in the past two years that people suddenly would quite talking or refuse to look me in the eye. I lost countless friends who no longer hang out with me or come around me. I can only imagine that it is because of their fear that I may bring up Tabitha's name. I understand how difficult it must be in their shoes to see someone in such pain and not know what to say or how to comfort them best. But, I wish they could see that the awkward feelings they have are nothing compared to the pain my family and Tabitha's closest friends feel.

I am writing this to reach out to all the other families who have lost a loved one to murder and then subsequently lost their friends or had friends who were not there for them emotionally. I also want those who know someone who lost a loved one, but not lost one themselves to understand how their friend may be feeling. When someone's loved one is murdered there can be a variety of emotions that follow - shock, anger, anguish, grief, rage, or confusion among many others. It has been over two years since my sister was murdered and I am just now reaching the process of working through my grief. For a long time I felt unbelievable pain, anger, and shock. I couldn't process anything that was happening. A few of my friends tried getting me to go out places with them, but I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. Eventually they just quit asking. Now, that I have finally gotten to the place where I feel like I can go out again and try to live my life I realized I didn't have hardly anyone. The people I used to hang out with barely speak to me and when they do it is nothing of importance. There is no hope for me to get to sit down and cry with a friend over my sister. To sob until I have nothing left and allow myself to be comforted. Something I could not have done a year ago, but desperately need now.

I isolated myself a lot from the few friends who actually cared to try to hang out with me until they no longer tried. It was not something I did on purpose, but rather something I did because I physically and emotionally did not have the energy to go out and do anything. Emotionally I felt I could not handle leaving the house. The only time I left was to see my family, go to work, or go to an event I was hosted for the foundation I started in memory of my sister. Over time it was the foundation that saved me - that helped pull me out of the deep depression that I was in. I found solace in helping others and spreading awareness to domestic violence to help prevent some future family from going through the pain that my own was. The point I am making is that if you know someone who has lost a loved one to murder, or even lost a loved one in a natural or non-violent way, to please continue to reach out to them - even if they do not respond. Most often the first few months, and even years, are a confusing, painful, and numbing time. It has been two years and three months and I am just now processing the loss that my family suffered. Now, when I am ready to begin reaching out to friends and work through what happened I feel more alone than ever. It is because of the bond my mother and I have that I finally began to open up about the overwhelming sadness I feel.

I hope that in the coming months and years I can finally work through many of the emotions that came from losing my sister to murder. It is a long process and if you or someone you love is going through it then please be patient. It takes often a long time to work through the terrible emotions that come with loss. The best thing I learned is to be patient and kind with myself -  to not become angry or upset when I have a setback. When you are already in agony, don't cause yourself more by judging how long or how short it takes you to begin healing.

Tabitha's Little Sister,
Nikki Allman
Founder of The Tabitha Brock Foundation

You Never Think It Will Happen To Your Family

It's been two years, two months, and twenty-two days since my sister, Tabitha Brock, was murdered. I never thought in the slightest imaginings that something this tragic and heartbreaking would happen to my family. It was a cold harsh reality that morning when the detectives were sitting with us in my mother's living room telling us my sister my dead. She was found in her car burned. We had to wait until the autopsy was completed to be sure it was her, but there was a silent knowing among those in the room. We just knew that it was her and that he had done it. Before Tabitha's murder I don't know if I even knew what the word domestic violence was. It was something foreign that didn't happen in my family or anyone I knew. Or so I thought until that moment. Before being educated on domestic violence it was easy to play off the signs and symptoms of abuse or to be unable to recognize it. I knew that he had been cruel and hateful to my sister many times. That he manipulated her, called her names, and stole things from her. But still it did not register that MY SISTER was a victim of domestic violence. No, as far as we knew he had never hit her before that night. But, she went through TEN years of emotional, mental, and psychological abuse from him. I understand now that what she was going through was the Cycle of Violence, but it makes me realize even more so how badly we need education about domestic violence in our communities. You only think about domestic violence when there is physical violence, but there are so many other forms of abuse that are not talked about. That could ultimately lead to domestic violence homicide. You never think it will happen to your family, but once it happens your lives are irrevocably changed. I knew after Tabitha's murder that I couldn't bear for any other family to go through the pain that we have in losing a loved one. I started this foundation to spread awareness on this epidemic and hopefully allow victims still in abusive relationships to see they are not alone. That there are people out there advocating against this and they can find help. We do weekly posts now sharing the stories of victims of violence who have lost their lives and survivors to show to spread awareness and sign a spotlight on why violence must end. I hope that you will join in my family's journey after Tabitha's murder.

Thank You & Sending You Love,

Tabitha's Little Sister,

Nikki

www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha

www.twitter.com/justice4tabitha

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com

A Letter From Tabitha's Sister

Hello,

Thank you for visiting our blog. I have started this blog two years, two months, and fifteen days after my sister, Tabitha Gayle Brock, was murdered. For over two years I have worked to start a non-profit charity foundation in memory of my sister. On the night of May 10, 2012 sometime after 10:15 pm her ex-boyfriend murdered her in front of their four-year-old son. He claimed that he struck out once and hit her with the side of his hand on her neck and that she fell down. He said he left the room and came back 30 seconds later and she was dead. He said that he only hit her the one time after they had been arguing for a while. All the blame in his eyes was placed on her. Their four-year-old son was in the home at the time and witnessed his mother's murder. From the very beginning her son has kept the same story about what he witnessed that night. He said that his parents were arguing and that his daddy began hitting his mommy in the head and stomach over and over again. He said that his daddy pushed her down and that she got back up. Her ex pushed her down again and this time she did not get up. Clayton, her son, said that he went and laid down next to his mommy and pretended he was asleep next to her because he was afraid. He said that she did not open her eyes again, but she tried to tell him she loved him. It hurts me to know the pain this little boy has gone through. After Tabitha died her ex placed her body in the passenger side of her car, left Clayton home alone, and then drove her to Enos Road past Seymour. He parked the car up an incline and poured gasoline over my sister and inside the car. He lit the car and her on fire and then let it roll down the hill. He was attempting to cause the car to hit a tree at the bottom and make it look like an accident. After all of this he went back home, showered, and then left with my nephew Clayton. It was a long twelve hours as we waited at my mom's house for news on my nephew. I did not know if we were going to get a call saying that he had killed himself and Clayton also. The State Police caught him in Kentucky at a McDonald's after his truck broke down. Clayton was adopted by Tabitha's mother. There has been a lot that has happened since Tabitha's murder. We have chosen to do something positive out of all the tragedy that happened. My sister was a beautiful kind and generous soul. We were blessed to have had such a wonderful person in our lives. Tabitha lost her life due to domestic violence and the anger of one man. This epidemic causes the deaths of more than three women and one man every single day in the United States and hurts countless families. I do believe that together we can change this with education and awareness. No one deserves to be treated with disrespect or be abused. If you ever feel need to speak with someone you can message us on our Facebook page. I know the pain that losing my sister has caused on my family and I would not wish it on anyone. Know that you are worth more than abuse and beautiful in every single way.

Tabitha's Little Sister,
Nikki Allman

www.thetabithabrockfoundation.com
www.facebook.com/justicefortabitha
justicefortabitha@hotmail.com